Mark Blickley is author of the story collection Sacred Misfits (Red Hen Press) and his most recent play,The Milkman's Sister, was produced last Fall at NYC's 13th Street Repertory Theater Blickley is a proud member of the Dramatists Guild and PEN American Center. He recently published the text based art book, 'Weathered Reports: Trump Surrogate Quotes From the Underground.' (Moria Books, Chicago)
***Bed
Bugs & Beyond
A Play in One Act By Mark
Blickley
• CRISPIN---Plump male human hotel exterminator dressed in a red
jumpsuit with a large, threatening looking water gun filled with deadly
insecticide.
• CARIS ---- Plump red female bed bug, smart and saucy.
• MACUL--- Plump red male bug very macho; the sharpest thing about him
is his spear-like
penis.;
• CIMEX--- Plump red sexually confused and effeminate male bed bug
intensely attracted to
Macul.
• VOICES OF A HUMAN MALE AND FEMALE HOTEL OCCUPANT.
***
TIME:
The Present PLACE: A Hotel Room
SCENE: CRISPIN spins around, drops to the floor and
crouches into a prone firing position in front of a mattress, inhaling deep
sniffs that combine terror and exhilaration, a combination not uncommon to
hunters who track dangerous prey.
CRISPIN ( slowly rises, addresses audience)
They’re hard to see. By you can smell ‘em. (Sniffs) Yeah, they’re here alright. This is their most favorite room in the
entire hotel..
(He runs off the stage and
down the aisle, waving his water gun weapon threateningly at the audience, as
if on a search and destroy mission. He peers up and down the various audience
rows, literally trying to sniff out the enemy.)
(Sniffs) Smell that? (Sniffs) It’s like rotting raspberries wrapped in a stanky sheet. You can smell
it, right?
It’s the odor of indecency. Thought I got ‘em all
last week. Or most. At best. And no one comes better than Crispin Colvin,
exterminator extraordinaire! Damn straight! Know what my motto is? (beat)) “My extermination clears a path to your liberation.” Yes. (points at audience) Your liberation, from fear and suffering and infection.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking why
does that fool spray all that deadly chemical and not wear a mask? A mask? I
don’t need no friggin’ mask. I ain’t got nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Purity protects me. Purity of essence!
You doubt me? You think I’ve sniffed too many
fumes and delude myself that spirit is superior to body? My body of work speaks
for itself. And I’m here to protect all of you (raises clinched fist above his head,) and that means you (points), and you (points), from the evil that goes by many names--- chintzes, mahogany flats, red
coats, wall louse, crimson ramblers. Yes, I’m talkin’ bed bug. B—E—E—E--D
B—U—U—U—G. And if they’re in this bed then they’re also right where you are,
probably hiding in the chairs you’re sitting on. Bed bugs are never more than
100 feet away from where they feed, and they damn sure been feeding on this
here mattress. Those little demons are masters of deception. (He removes a credit card from his pocket, reads it, shakes
head) This one’s expired. (He pulls out another card) Anywhere you can
slide a credit card a bed bug could fit. They can flatten themselves down to
fit in any crack or crevice. (Laughs) Feeling itchy my friends?
(CRISPIN scratches his neck
and leaps back on stage with a war yelp, brandishing his weapon)
I’m like a freakin’ suicide bomber, willing to
die for a cause or a reason in any season in order to flush away all of their
bloodsucking trauma and filth. Filth, you say? Don’t all the magazines and
newspapers stories make a point of telling us that bed bugs aren’t attracted to
dirty, unclean, grimy places? (Nods head) It’s true. They don’t even
inject any dangerous diseases in the warm succulent flesh they feast on. Your
flesh. That’s not their brand of torment. The filth I’m talking about is
PERVERSION! A filthy perversion of body and soul! Your body and soul!
(CRISPIN sprays the mattress
and in a crouching position, crawls across the stage, identifying and spraying
potential bed bug nests.)
Do I hear snickering? Go ahead, laugh. Laugh and
show your ignorance. There’s a national epidemic of bed bugs in these United
States of America and not because of physical filth. It’s because of moral
filth. Within the fabric of American life are the crevices where these gluttons
skulk and hide, waiting for the opportunity to siphon your blood to fuel the
most despicable acts of sexual depravity.
You ever
hear the label scientists put on bed bug mating rituals? They call it TRAUMATIC
COPULATION! (nods head) That’s right. And do you know why they call it
traumatic? It’s because the male ignores the female’s genitalia. Rejects her
pathway to creation. He refuses to gently place his sperm into a female
opening. Oh no. If they did that it would mean the males would have to court
the females and show them respect by trying to please or appease them. (He does a mock
bow, blows a kiss)
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but not
in the wicked world of bed buggery!
A male bed bug's sex organ is a
weapon greater than my own. (He strokes his water gun) It’s a long sharp spear with a hypodermic hook attached
at the end. The male pounces on the female (he
demonstrates), holds her firmly while she
struggles, and then rapes her by stabbing his razor sharp hook over and over
into her back, her stomach, any exposed area on her body. He stabs and squirts
these huge doses of sperm directly into her mutilated flesh. If she’s lucky
enough that this mating wound doesn't develop a serious infection and kill her,
then his seed swims to her ovaries. Every time he gores her flesh it leaves a
scar. I ask you, can a society that treats its females like this be less
deserving of extinction? I am a warrior for righteousness.
Brace yourself, my friends. There
are even more shocking perversions male bed bugs commit against all that is
decent and true in nature. They indulge in bestiality. (Nods head) You
heard right. Bestiality. Twenty percent of their sexual encounters are with
foreign animals. The little hopheads will bang anything that even looks like a
bed bug. These perverts have sex up to 200 times a day and they don’t give a
damn who it’s with. These gangsta bugs spend their whole lives just stabbing
and shooting, (he mimics them) stabbing
and shooting. They stab anything that moves with their pointed pricks and shoot
a disgusting amount of splooge into whomever or whatever they gash (mimics) and slash. If a male bed bug were human in size, he’d be
shooting seven gallons of man milk with each ejaculation. (Shutters, as if being drenched in liquid) It ain’t human and it ain’t decent. Killing them is a
sacred privilege.
(CRISPIN
raises his gun and dervishes while sing song chanting
Domination! Abomination!
Proliferation! Irritation! Aggravation! Defecation! Fornication! (Stops
chanting)
And Homo-gen-iz-ation of an entire generation of male
miscreants!
Yes! Yes! Yes! (Shouts Orgasmically) These bloodsucking fiends engage in homosexuality more
than any other depraved sexual activitiy. Fifty percent of their illicit
intercourse are the rape of other males who have just sucked—your---blood. And
when the sperm of the rapist enters the male victim the jism searches for
ovaries. When none are found it mixes with the raped male’s man gravy and is
passed on in his next encounter with a female. Sick. Sick. Sick.
You wanna scratch? You feel them
chewing on your tender skin? Where’s the itch? The itch is in their lust for
your blood. They cannot indulge their dirtbag dicks without feeding on your
juicy red plasma. They must feed on your flesh and steal your lifeblood energy
in order to satisfy their corrupt desires. It’s the warmth of your bodies and
the sweetness of your breath that draws them to your vibrant flesh.
I smell them! I watch them! I
listen to them! (softly) And
wait...
CRISPIN walks to a chair on stage and sits. He crosses his legs
and folds his arms across his chest. Lights go to dark.
SCENE: The darkened hotel room.. We
hear the moans and groans of passion between a male and female human upon the
mattress.
WOMAN (moans)
Yes, I love when you touch me like that. You’re
so gentle. You’re so beautiful. I love to give your pleasure. Don’t
speak....those lips...those lips...
MAN (moans)
My lovely, a lick or a kiss?
WOMAN (moans)
Must I choose? Can’t I have my lick and my kiss?
(We hear a sharp SLAP, and
then another SLAP)
WOMAN
Ow! Ouch! What the fuck!?
(Sounds of vigorous
SLAPPING)
MAN (slapping)
Ow! Holy Shit!
WOMAN (slapping)
Damn it! ! I told you these sleazy hotels aren’t
worth it, you cheap bastard!
MAN (slapping)
The clerk said there’s been no outbreaks reported
on any floor.
WOMAN (slapping)
We can’t stay here! They’re eating me alive.
C’mon let’s get out of here.
MAN (slapping)
I’m so sorry, Sweetie. Please forgive me.
WOMAN (slapping)
If one of these lousy bloodsuckers end up in my
apartment, you’ll never touch me again. You hear me?
MAN (slapping)
Yes, Snookums. They have a jacuzzi on the second
floor by the pool. The heat will kill them. It’ll kill them. Don’t’ worry.
Door Slams. Red Lights
slowly come up until we see two bedbugs, CARIS and MACUL, standing by the
mattress, beaming at each other with their blood stained smiles. CARIS takes a
tissue and sensuously dabs at the blood dripping down MACUL’s lips. After cleaning
off all the blood she slowly removes her hand from his mouth. MACUL suddenly
grabs her retreating wrist and squeezes it so hard CARIS cries out in pain. He
snatches the tissue out of her hand and dangles it above his mouth,
lasciviously chewing on the bloodied tissue.
CARIS steps back, massaging
her wounded wrist. She looks over at MACUL with terror and slowly backs away
from him. He finishes
consuming the tissue and
notices CARIS has moved away from him.
MACUL removes a tissue from
his pocket and advances towards CARIS She tries to avoid him by crouching by
the mattress, cowering.
MACUL stabs her in the back
with his spear-like penis; CARIS screams and stands, rubbing her back. MACUL
tries to wipe the blood off her mouth with his tissue, but she fends him off.
“Bad Bed Bug” song ends.
CRISPIN remains seated
onstage where he intently watches and listens to the bed bugs, a silent spy.
Via squirms and facial contortions he physically, but not verbally, reacts to
their behavior and conversation.
MACUL
What the hell’s the matter with you, Caris? I
want that blood on your lips. Don’t you dare deny me! (He threateningly grabs his
penis) This feast has gotten me so aroused, and the
blood on your mouth is still warm.
MACUL once again tries to
wipe the blood from CARIS’ lips as she slaps his hand away; his tissue falls to
the floor.
CARIS
Don’t touch this blood, Macul. You’ve already had
more than you deserve. You don’t need to swallow this too. It’s that man’s
blood, that wonderfully caring man’s blood, and the warmth that’s smeared
across my face is the warmth and affection he showed that female he was making
love to. I was feeding on love and I don’t want you to take it away. It’s still
warm on my face. I want to feel its sweetness.
MACUL
Feel its sweetness? Are you fuckin’ nuts? If it’s
that goddamned sweet I wanna taste it. Don’t raise your hand to me, bitch! My
god, you’re so bloated with blood and sexy. That blood, that blood. I can smell
your desire!
MACUL grabs CARIS’ face with
both hands and despite her protests, aggressively licks the blood off her face.
CIMEX runs on stage and repeatedly stabs MACUL in his back with his penis.
MACUL
Ow! Ow! (releases
Caris, turns around)
What the... Dude, I ain’t a lady. Get off me you
freak!
CARIS
Oh thank you, Cimex.
CIMEX (annoyed)
Thank you? For what? (to Macul) I’m so sorry, Macul. Forgive me. I didn’t mean to stab you.
MACUL
Like hell you didn’t. (rubbing his wound)
CARIS
You see what if feels like, Macul? Rape. Did you
enjoy those pricks with his spear? Is it a wonder humans label our lovemaking
traumatic copulation?
MACUL
What’s traumatic is being back ended by this
fool.
CIMEX (to Macul)
It was an accident, I swear. All those red hot
swollen bodies...everyone looks like they’re wearing lipstick after they feed,
males and females. It’s just so confusing, what?
CARIS (smirking)
Yeah, right. A happy accident
CIMEX
Don’t listen to her, Macul. I’m all man. You
obviously just sucked some primo blood. All I saw was your gorgeously engorged
back, so crimson and plump and juicy, bursting forth with scarlet...
CIMEX’s words rekindles his
desire for MACUL as he strokes the bug’s shoulder.
MACUL (pushes Cimex’s hand away)
Control yourself, Cimex! Go find yourself a well
nourished female and stop being such a prick.
CARIS
A female? Are you kidding? He already injected
you with his sperm, Macul. So the next time you bayonet some female the sperm you
eject will be a mixture of yours and his. Cimex stabs you and makes you spread
his genes. How manly!
CIMEX (nervously to Macul)
Whoa! I’m not responsible for this sperm transfer
by proxy. I’m a victim (caresses,
waves penis, draws out the words) of Sir--Cum’s--stance.
MACUL (laughing)
You go that right, brother. ((turns to Caris, begins
stroking his phallus) Especially when the circumstance is a voluptuous
freshly fed female engorged with sweet ruby juice.
CIMEX looks at MACUL the way
he is looking at CARIS. MACUL turns to CIMEX, who quickly shifts is gaze to
CIMEX and nods in approval .They begin to threateningly make their way towards
her.
CARIS (backs away)
We....we don’t have to be victims of
circumstance. We can fight this brutal evolution by a revolution of courage and
force of will. You don’t need to just slam your spears into everything and
anything that looks plump and full of blood. It’s just a compulsion. You can
learn to stop thinking with your pricks.
MACUL & CIMEX (look at each other)
But it’s fun!!!
CARIS
Fun? Did it feel funny to be have your flesh
impaled by Cimex’s organ?
MACUL (rubs back)
Well...thank God he’s not as massive as he should
be.
CIMEX
I beg your pardon? (grabs his
phallus)
You want another piece of me?
MACUL
Piece? You mean fragment, you freak!
CARIS runs between them to
fend off a fight.
CARIS
Stop it! Stop it and think! You guys are ready to
slam your spears into each other out of angry. Is that sex I’ll be witnessing?
CIMEX smiles broadly
MACUL
It’ll be his suicide you’ll witness if he waves
that trifling piddle of his at me one more time. I won’t be humiliated again.
CIMEX
Humiliated? He loves it.
CARIS
How can you feel humiliated? It happens all the
time. You guys won’t control yourselves. I’ve seen you stab and shoot into
plenty of males, Macul.
MACUL
That’s a damned lie, Caris!
CIMEX (jealous)
He has? Who are the little bitches? I bet I know
which prancing, blood swollen queens he sticks it to!
MACUL
Shut up, Cimex! Sometimes I get mixed up in the
heat of the moment, but I always pull back when I find I’ve mounted a male.
It’s just that everyone looks so red and juicy after a good meal I get so
excited I just have to impregnate them. It’s such a rush.
CARIS
I saw you stab and shoot into Solaris twice this
morning right after he fed off that sweet human male. And it wasn’t the first
time. Why do you feel the need to lie, Macul?
MACUL
Who the hell are you to call me a liar, female!
CIMEX
Solaris? Pleeeeeaaasssseeee. He’s such a tart,
always waving that bloated red belly of his like some sort of exotic dancer. (Cimex demonstrates with an
interpretative belly dance)
MACUL studies CIMEX’S dance,
not without prurient interest, but catches himself and quickly looks away,
feigning disgust.
CARIS
It’s not your fault you don’t discriminate
between the sexes, Macul. And you don’t have to be ashamed of being attracted
to other males, Cimex.
CIMEX
Bitch! Don’t tell me what I do or do not have the
right to be ashamed of just because nature gave you females the shaft!
MACUL and CIMEX look over at
each other, stroke their sex organs, laugh and high five each other.
CARIS
Nature made all male bed bugs bi-sexual. But you
men don’t have to be so violent and undiscriminating with your pecker,
especially towards us females.
CIMEX
But Sweetie, it’s nature that propels us to
thrust and injure you. It’s not our fault we’re all Bi and we don’t have to
court you females in order to relieve ourselves. You don’t have any choice, we
do! It is what it is.
MACUL
Damn straight!
He and Cimex high five each
other by clicking their phalluses and move threateningly towards CARIS.
MACUL &
CIMEX
If it bleeds we can kill it...
If it’s blind we can lead it!
CARIS
Do not attack me! I demand your respect!
CIMEX
Demand our respect?
MACUL
Why the hell should we respect you, you
bloodsucker!?
The Two Males hold hands and
encircle CARIS; she drops to the floor in a fetal position.
CARIS (cowering)
You must respect me because I’m a virgin!
The Two Males look at each
other, shrug and shake their heads.
MACUL
A virgin? You got almost as many scars on your
body as on Keith Richards’ face.
CIMEX
I once sucked that Rolling Stone’s blood, back in
the day. (Shivers) I’m still prone
to flashbacks.
MACUL
Jeez! How many hundreds of eggs have you dropped,
Virgin?
CARIS
I’ve birthed 358 children.
CIMEX
358 virgin births? Are you nuts? Look at your stomach
and back. They’re covered with more man holes than the city’s sewer system.
CARIS
According to humans, I’ve maintained my purity of
essence. The babies I’ve birthed come from an untainted and pristine opening in
my body. You and your kind attack my exoskeleton (she rubs her
stomach and back), not my birth canal.
MACUL
Purity of essence? Who cares about that? Why
should we give a damn about humans except for their tasty hemoglobin?
CARIS
We should all care. Why can’t we take away more
than just their nutrients when we suck on their blood? They are things they can
teach us.
CIMEX
What about the things we’ve taught them?
CARIS
That you’ve taught humans? Like what?
MACUL
Like their DDT doesn’t kill us, but makes us
stronger and more horny.
CIMEX
We taught them their deadly chemical have made us
more virile, more manly. Right, bro?
MACUL (to Cimex)
Well, for some of us. (Cimex frowns) And we taught them them that
spraying that DDT shit everywhere kills cockroaches, not us. Our cocks are
doing just fine, right Cimex? (Cimex waves his phallus in
salute) Those human idiots you’re so in awe of, Caris, don’t even realize
roaches like eating us even more than we like sucking on human blood.
CIMEX (laughs)
So the two legged fools destroy our worst
predators with their luscious DDT, wipe out those roach bastards and give birth
to a bed bug renaissance that’s spread throughout this city and across every
town in their bloody country.
MACUL (he and Cimex do a bump and
grind to the rhymes)
Yeah, baby, we’re back and we shack in every
crevice and crack until we attack for a snack more filling than a six-pack, and
that’s a fact, Jack.
CIMEX
You ain’t lying, Mac. We’re bloody and buggy and
quite crudely we flail our nail into any plump red tail that inspires us to
impale a well fed female or a well fed male...
Upon hearing CIMEX’s ending
rhyme, MACUL grimaces, stops dancing, and pushes CIMEX to the ground. CIMEX
jumps up and brandishes his penis like a spear and thrusts it at MACUL. A loop
of the first 43 seconds of Blue Swede’s version of the song, “Hooked on a
Feeling,” is played as an intense thrust and parry stabbing attack is played
out among these two male bed bugs. CARIS throws herself into the mix to try and
stop the violence. When Caris speaks the music stops.
CARIS
Stop it! Stop trying to harm each other! This is
what I’m talking about! You’re confusing sexuality with aggression!
MACUL
I’m not confused! I’m Bi because of freak
accidents of nature! Cimex is Bi because he’s a freak!
CIMEX
Yeah? But I’m not freakin’ confused about slicing
up your midgut, you delusional dick!
CARIS
Listen, fellas, we are what we eat and we just
nourished ourselves on a male and female who care about and respect each
other’s feelings. We can digest that kind of sweet blood and use it to alter
our violent behavior towards each other. Your penis doesn’t have to be used for
drill rape.
MACUL
That so called sweet, caring blood will turn
Cimex into even more of a prancing slut. He’ll just feed and feed to make
himself more bloated and red to attract horny males.
CIMEX lunges at a laughing
MACUL but CARIS restrains him.
CARIS
Horny males? Angry males! Stop it! Stop it! I’m
sick of you flailing your fag sticks at the least provocation!
MACUL & CIMEX
Fag sticks!
MACUL and CIMEX turn their
anger towards CARIS. They begin stabbing at her with their penises. She deftly
rolls away and the two male bed bugs end up impaling each other. They cry out
in pain and fall to the floor, groaning.
CARIS
Look at you two! We don’t need to attack each
other with scarring sex, (She helps each one to his feet). We can try
caring sex no matter what the gender, just like our meals in this hotel room
do. We can try for romance. That way it can and will hurt so good. (MACUL and CIMEX rub their injured bellies, eye each other
nervously.)
What’s the point of all this sexual violence?
Macul, Cimex, you both just stabbed each other and delivered sperm transfer by
proxy to each other.
CIMEX
What are you talking about? Sperm transfer by
proxy? Never heard of it?
CARIS
Don’t you ever listen to what that vile human who
is always trying to kill us rants about?
MACUL
Why would I? I hate that bastard!
CIMEX
He’s so repulsive I wouldn’t stab him with your
dick, Macul.
CARIS
Will you guys cut it out! Whenever you puncture
each other and deposit your sperm, that sperm travels into each of your
bloodstreams to your sperm ducts. When either of you does have sex with a
female the sperm you eject is a mixture of your own and the sperm of whatever
male who injected you. You never know if you’re impregnating a female with your
sperm or the sperm of your male rapist.
MACUL (laughs, bumps and grinds)
So, it’s who’s your Daddy? Who’s your Daddy?
Who’s your Daddy?
CIMEX
My God, Caris, that’s so...so...romantic. And
mysterious!
MACUL (frowns at Cimex)
You’re saying we’re nourishing each other with
our semen? Ugh!
CARIS
Exactly! It’s such a beautiful synthesis of
brotherhood. Why can’t you extend that type of fellowship (MACUL and CIMEX giggle and lift up their penises) and nourishing concept to us females? Your vicious traumatic
copulation means there’s a good chance it’s not your genes being delivered into
the female, but some other male’s. So why act so macho and full of angry spite?
Why be so hurtful? You want to scare and scar we females in service to another
male?
CIMEX
It’s like we’re being pimped out, what?
CARIS
You nailed it, Cimex.
MACUL
That’s disgusting.
CARIS
Yes, but it doesn’t have to be. Just because
someone’s eaten recently and looks swollen and juicy red doesn’t mean you have
to gash them and see if babies result. Do you have any idea how many of us
females die of serious infection because of your vicious and aggressive mating
wounds? The more sex we females have the shorter our lives. It may be fun for
you guys, but it’s downright dangerous for us!
MACUL
I never thought about it, Caris. In fact, I never
think about it.
CIMEX (somewhat getting off on the idea)
You make me feel like a brute. A real brute. A
true brute. A brutal brute.
CARIS
Is that who you are, Cimex? Is that who you want
to be?
CIMEX
No. I want to be loved. (shakes head, looks over at Macul)
MACUL
I’m sorry, Cimex. I never realized what An
incredible dick I’ve been.
CIMEX (whispers)
I have.
CARIS (smiles, they group hug)
Yes! Yes! You see, we can make this a kinder, better world. We can!
And we will!
As the three bed bugs share
a communal hug as CRISPIN leaps off the chair and runs towards them,
brandishing his weapon.
CRISPIN
Whores! Vampires! Sodomites!
Just as the bedbugs are
finally achieving harmony. he squirts
them into oblivion. They scream and drop to the floor, squirming, as CRISPIN
laughs insanely. Lights go to black.
CURTAIN